What I don’t like about the Gold Cup

A friend of mine solicited my help in offloading her Gold Cup tickets. She can no longer go. I’ve only been to the Gold Cup once, and I went because it was free for Mary and I to go because somebody paid for our parking, tickets, booze, and food. Oh, and we got cigars.

So, the Gold Cup isn’t a bad event to go to — if it’s free. Would I pay for such an experience? Probably not. Here’s why:

1.) It’s in the middle of nowhere 

2.) It’s hot and muggy

The second you arrive you have to drive your car (unless you took a bus) over mossy grass, wondering if your car will be able to leave without getting stuck. You get out of your car, smell the fresh air and about 30 minutes later you are ready to go home.

It doesn’t help that you have to dress up for this.

3.) Normal people don’t dress this way

To steal a term from Late Night Shots, only turbos from UVA have a repertoire of this kind of clothing at the ready. Everybody else has to buy stuff for it. Who dresses this way? Not normal people, that’s for sure. This is not a once in a lifetime event like a wedding, it’s a bunch of fucking horses running around an obstacle course with drunk people showing off nice cars watching them for fun. Hardly an event that warrants anything other than normal clothing.

4.) Everybody pretends they love horses

They really don’t. You could make them a delicious pulled meat sandwich and tell them it’s horse meat and they’d be like “this is delicious.” But, for a drunken afternoon, people will pretend they love horses more than they loved their childhood pet, and agree with the random actual horse person that horse slaughter is the world’s greatest evil. If President Obama got to eat dogs growing up, I should be able to eat horses. And horse people are just annoying.

5.) It’s an excuse to act like a snob

Going to the Gold Cup is like taking Doc Brown’s DeLorean to South Africa during apartheid and watching a horse race.

6.) It’s boring

The only reason people say they like going to the Gold Cup is because they get really drunk. That’s it. Nobody really cares about the race and it’s not important. How do I know? It’d be on television if it were important. The Kentucky Derby is important. The Gold Cup is not. 

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