Wal-Mart Stories, Vol. 1

First Lady Michelle Obama shops at Target in Alexandria, VA

Unlike First Lady Michelle Obama, who shops at Target, I shop at Wal-Mart. For a very simple reason, Wal-Mart is superior to Target. If you think otherwise, well, you’re wrong. I have shopped at both and I am obsessed with prices and compare them all the time. Wal-Mart is routinely superior on both price and quality. If you want to pay more because Target makes their stores prettier that’s fine — more savings for me.

Now that Penn-Daw has its own Wal-Mart, I shop there constantly, and I have stories. You see, Wal-Mart has a diverse clientele while Target’s is less so. Heck, that’s probably why they started the People of Wal-Mart blog. Little known fact: that blog was started by Target shoppers, because the majority of Target shoppers are snobs.

Don’t believe me? Tell somebody you shopped at Wal-Mart. If they say nothing, then they are normal. If they have a negative reaction, ask them where they shop and they will tell you Target. This is because they are snobs. (Known exception: you can still shop at Target and not be a snob, but this is rare. My girlfriend is such a case. I think she’s slowly realizing Wal-Mart is better.)

Now that we got that out of the way, I’ll start sharing my stories. The idea for this series of ongoing posts dates back to my early days in Washington, D.C. when I would blog about my experiences at the Braddock Road 7/11. Sadly, those posts are gone forever, but new stories must emerge.

Most recently, I went to Wal-Mart because I am a man on a budget and needed to get some stuff for lunch this week. I got a 12 pack of cola for 88 cents. Like a Seinfeld episode, I could save my cans and drive to Michigan and turn them in for a profit. The off-brand cola was made by RC Cola, and it wasn’t half bad.

I also needed some whisks, as my sister Betsy took the only whisk we had — I got three of them for under a dollar. Made in China, sure. But as long-time readers of the blog know, I do not subscribe to “buy American” or “buy local” as they are disastrous and stupid economic policies.

As I was stopping in the aisle to get some paper towels, a little boy walked up to me and said “Sir, do you know if turtles can eat fish food?” I responded that turtles can indeed eat algae-based fish food, and also the ones with dead flies, but I’d look it up online before feeding to the turtle. They probably should have done that before going to the store, but it was nice to see this little kid caring about his pets. At Target, a child’s parent would probably tell them to “hush” or have them on one of those little leashes that liberals love so much, which is ironic because they love an unbridled government.

While my Wal-Mart doesn’t sell real guns (yet, I hear they’re making a comeback) they do sell bb guns, which every growing boy should have and Target lacks because they’re soft on awesomeness, my Wal-Mart does sell bullets and other hunting stuff. This is convenient for me if the zombie apocalypse happens. People who shop at Target exclusively are screwed if a zombie apocalypse ever happens. They will not survive.

Another reason to love Wal-Mart is their beer and wine selection, which as you can guess, is superior to Target in both scope and price. Beer is cheaper at Wal-Mart, and you can get decent bottles of wine for $2.50. The beer I routinely buy is 2 dollars cheaper at Wal-Mart than 7/11, and about a dollar cheaper than Target.

Waiting in line to check out, there was a lady with soap and milk behind me in the express line. She was speaking very very loudly and it was beginning to annoy me. Another thing, Wal-Mart has a line that opens up to multiple registers, which is superior to Target’s check out structure, just saying. I bit my tongue, and checked out. Now, before she was called, she decided to just walk to the next clerk who was checking out a lady who was for some reason taking her dear sweet time checking out. The person two slots behind me got to go after me and check out quicker. Poetic justice.

More stories later, and hopefully funnier ones.

Until then, save money and live better. Wal-Mart.

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5 Thoughts on “Wal-Mart Stories, Vol. 1

  1. Jim, in that Seinfeld episode, Neman and Kramer were collecting bottles, not cans.


  2. I disagree. I preface it with “Like a Seinfeld episode,” meaning “similar to.”

    Like: “Having similar qualities or characteristics to another person or thing.”

    Learn English, it is our language.

  3. Brittany Singer on January 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm said:

    Don’t get me wrong: I love me some Wal-Mart shopping. However, Target has a superior selection and higher quality to boot, especially in the ladies clothing department. 🙂

    And for that, Expect More, Pay Less. Target.

    • That’s how they sucker you in, Brittany — Women’s Clothing. They all get it from the same or similar sources. Their decor makes you think their products are superior — but I do not think they are.

  4. Eschewing a debate about the meaning of the word “like,” I have to take issue with the factual inaccuracies of Metz’s comment. Kramer and Newman are collecting both bottles and cans. Kramer even sings even sings a song about bottles and cans when they are in the truck. While I’ll concede to you that the name of the episode is “The Bottle Deposit,” I’ll simply refer you to this bit of stage direction from the shooting script:

    “A cigar-smoking Kramer and a gleeful Newman, regard the back of a mail truck, filled with plastic sacks of bottles and cans. They slap palms and shake hands as Kramer pulls down the door and flips the handle closed.”

    bottles AND cans.

    Source: http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheBottleDeposit1.html

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