For My Birthday, Leave Me Alone, Sales People

Nothing makes me angrier during Birthday season than people messing around with me for my birthday. OK, some things probably make me angrier, but pulling my chain regarding my very special day is definitely in the top 10.

Some companies send me nice coupons to their restaurants. Most even offer me a free meal, assuming I buy another one for Mary. I think that is nice. They’re advertising to me and making pleasing the lady lighter on the wallet.

What I do not appreciate is vague stuff like this (depicted left). Why? Because it’s a BAIT AND SWITCH. That’s why. Oh, you mean if I merely call your conveniently local phone number I’ll get a free “Touchpad Tablet Complete with New Android Software?” Well, SHIT! Why did I buy a Kindle Fire last year? Probably because I’m not a dipshit and I know people don’t send me letters promising to making it rain Android tablets.

A company that stupid would run out of business in a New York minute. No. These assholes want something. Who knows what they want? I don’t (yet) but I am sick of it. Sure, market to me when I’m at Lee’s Famous Recipe Fried Chicken, I know that “everybody wins the cruise.” That’s shitty marketing, but you know what it doesn’t do?

Denigrate my birthday with crappy offers, that’s what.

Remember Yeah. I do. I actually got a free iPod — 20 gigs — and a free t-shirt. That website was straightforward, at least with me. I’m sure some stupid people didn’t read the terms of service and felt they got duped, but as I recall it was pretty straightforward. You sign up, agree to a partner’s deal (I think I did BMG music?) and refer some friends who also have to complete the deal. I used an advertisement right here on and Andrew Chappelle, ironically, was the last referral that got me the free iPod. It appears the company that runs them, Gratis Networks (and later FreePay) doesn’t seem to be around, but they held up their end of the bargain.

You know what they didn’t do? Exploit my birthday exuberance. I’m happy I am turned 29 this year. Why? Because I’m not turning 30. And they’re not even telling me whether I’m getting a new Kindle Fire HD or some shitty alternative.

A cursory search tells me that CP, at PO Box 20389, West Palm Beach, FL 33416 is something called Classic Promotions. The Better Business Bureau doesn’t have nice things to say about them.

The mailing wishing me a happy birthday tells me “Some restrictions apply. See voucher below.” Turns out this voucher has been sponsored by one of those “DirectBuy” franchises. You may have seen their commercials, but imagine if CostCo, BJ’s or Sam’s Club had slick commercials telling you that you could save 4x the value of their membership fees, but they only sell items related to home furnishings. Like paying a membership fee to shop at IKEA. (Seriously, how much can you possibly spend on refurbishing your home?)

Yeah, this is who sent this to me. Via a company with an F rating at Florida’s Better Business Bureau. DirectBuy, to its credit, has a B+ rating with BBB, and is accredited with them.

I considered making a trip to Woodbridge to spend 90 minutes of my time hearing, presumably, a high-pressure sales pitch for something I don’t need. (Like SouthPark’s Asspen episode.) The tablet (allegedly) is valued at $249, and for 90 minutes, that means I value my time at $166 an hour.

Then, I decided I’d rather just take a nap. After all, I’m getting old.


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