College Fairs

Tonight, despite my better judgement, I will once again go on my semi-annual volunteer gig as an alumni representative at a college fair for my alma mater. I agreed to do this months ago at the local high school months ago, not knowing that Game 7 of the NLCS and the third and final Presidential Debate would all happen on this night.

Any other night would be fine, but I am a man of my word, so I will I attend.

College fairs, for the uninitiated, are hilarious. I don’t know how the full time college representatives do it. In my capacity as the President of my area alumni club, I end up doing a lot of these things — not that I mind — I love my college, and it’d be expensive for them to send people to every one.

I’ve done them at public schools, big fairs, and “boutique” college fairs for very specific individuals. I’ve never done it at a private school, though.

From what I can tell, a lot of kids I talk to are not prepared to go to college. It could be that some of them are too young at this point, and that’s OK. The boutique college fairs have kids as young as freshmen in attendance. These kids have no idea what they want in life, let alone from a college. I give them a pass. Their older counterparts, however, not so prepared.

Here are some of my favorite inquiries over the years, paired with what I would like to, but don’t, say:

“Does your college have any internships I can do now?” You? A high school senior? 835 miles away? No. We don’t have any internships for you.

“Does your college offer degrees in (my ethnicity) studies?” Actually, yes. But I really would recommend studying something more practical. Maybe make that your minor.

“Can I smoke pot at your college?” You can smoke pot at any college, numbnuts. It’s illegal at all of them.

“What’s your male:female ratio… heh heh?” I don’t think it really matters for you.

“Why is your college so expensive?” Because it doesn’t get big subsidies from taxpayers that make tuition appear cheaper.

“Do I have to become a Catholic?” No, but you have to take religion courses.

“Did you go to school there?” No, these numbers after my name are just to …. YES. I WENT THERE.

“Why is your college the best one to go to?” No college is the ‘best to go to’ unless you are 1000% sure you know what you want to do and you’ve meticulously researched which schools have the best program in that area.

“Does your school have a good party scene?” Our main dorm is named after a beer baron and so is much of our campus. Take a guess. Seriously, it’s college — nearly all schools have a decent party scene.

“What kind of scholarship can YOU offer me?” Me? None. I don’t even know if you’ll be accepted. Seriously though, make your question ‘what kind of scholarships do you offer?’

“What can you do for me?” What do you think this is?

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