Category Archives: Humor

The Cask of Trump Meritage

Adapted from The Cask of Amontillado by Edgar Allen Poe, 1846. As fictionally narrated by Donald Trump.

THE thousand injuries of The Establishment I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that gave utterance to a threat. At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitely, settled –but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.

It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had I given Reince cause to doubt my good will. I continued, as was my in to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my to smile now was at the thought of his immolation.

He had a weak point –Reince –although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in wine. Few Wisconsinites have the true virtuoso spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity, to practise imposture upon millionaires. In business and politics, Reince, like his countrymen, was a quack, but in the matter of old wines he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially; –I was skillful in the Virginia vintages myself, and bought largely whenever I could.

It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the election season, that I encountered my friend. He accosted me with excessive warmth, for he had been drinking much. The man wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting parti-striped dress, and his head was surmounted by the conical cap and bells. I was so pleased to see him that I thought I should never have done wringing his hand.

I said to him –“My dear Reince, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking to-day. But I have received a pipe of what passes for Trump Meritage, and I have my doubts.”

“How?” said he. “Trump Meritage, A pipe? Impossible! And in the middle of the election season!”

“I have my doubts,” I replied; “and I was silly enough to pay the full Trump Meritage price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain.”

“Trump Meritage!”

“I have my doubts.”

“Trump Meritage!”

“And I must satisfy them.”

“Trump Meritage!”

“As you are engaged, I am on my way to Ted Cruz. If any one has a critical turn it is he. He will tell me –”

“Ted Cruz cannot tell Trump Meritage from Sherry.”

“And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own.

“Come, let us go.”

“Whither?”

“To your vaults.”

“My friend, no; I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement. Ted Cruz.”

“I have no engagement; –come.”

“My friend, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe cold with which I perceive you are afflicted. The vaults are insufferably damp. They are encrusted with nitre.”

“Let us go, nevertheless. The cold is merely nothing. Trump Meritage! You have been imposed upon. And as for Ted Cruz, he cannot distinguish Sherry from Trump Meritage.”

Thus speaking, The Establishment possessed himself of my arm; and putting on a mask of black silk and drawing a roquelaire closely about my person, I suffered him to hurry me to my palazzo.

There were no attendants at home; they had absconded to make merry in honour of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning, and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned.

I took from their sconces two flambeaux, and giving one to The Establishment, bowed him through several suites of rooms to the archway that led into the vaults. I passed down a long and winding staircase, requesting him to be cautious as he followed. We came at length to the foot of the descent, and stood together upon the damp ground of the catacombs of the Trumps.

The gait of my friend was unsteady, and the bells upon his cap jingled as he strode.

“The pipe,” he said.

“It is farther on,” said I; “but observe the white web-work which gleams from these cavern walls.”

He turned towards me, and looked into my eves with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.

“Nitre?” he asked, at length.

“Nitre,” I replied. “How long have you had that cough?”

“Ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh! –ugh! ugh! ugh!”

My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.

“It is nothing,” he said, at last.

“Come,” I said, with decision, “we will go back; your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back; you will be ill, and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Ted Cruz.”

“Enough,” he said; “the cough’s a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough.”

“True –true,” I replied; “and, indeed, I had no intention of alarming you unnecessarily –but you should use all proper caution. A draught of this Medoc will defend us from the damps.

Here I knocked off the neck of a bottle which I drew from a long row of its fellows that lay upon the mould.

“Drink,” I said, presenting him the wine.

He raised it to his lips with a leer. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled.

“I drink,” he said, “to the buried that repose around us.”

“And I to your long life.”

He again took my arm, and we proceeded.

“These vaults,” he said, “are extensive.”

“The Trumps,” I replied, “were a great and numerous family.”

“I forget your arms.”

“A huge human foot d’or, in a field azure; the foot crushes a serpent rampant whose fangs are embedded in the heel.”

“And the motto?”

“Nemo me impune lacessit.”

“Good!” he said.

The wine sparkled in his eyes and the bells jingled. My own fancy grew warm with the Medoc. We had passed through long walls of piled skeletons, with casks and puncheons intermingling, into the inmost recesses of the catacombs. I paused again, and this time I made bold to seize Reince by an arm above the elbow.

“The nitre!” I said; “see, it increases. It hangs like moss upon the vaults. We are below the river’s bed. The drops of moisture trickle among the bones. Come, we will go back ere it is too late. Your cough –”

“It is nothing,” he said; “let us go on. But first, another draught of the Medoc.”

I broke and reached him a flagon of De Grave. He emptied it at a breath. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed and threw the bottle upwards with a gesticulation I did not understand.

I looked at him in surprise. He repeated the movement –a grotesque one.

“You do not comprehend?” he said.

“Not I,” I replied.

“Then you are not of the Establishment.”

“How?”

“You are not of the RNC.”

“Yes, yes,” I said; “yes, yes.”

“You? Impossible! The Establishment?”

“I’m your nominee,” I replied.

“A sign,” he said, “a sign.”

“It is this,” I answered, producing from beneath the folds of my roquelaire an official 2016 RNC Make America Great Again membership card.

“You jest,” he exclaimed, recoiling a few paces. “But let us proceed to the Trump Meritage.”

“Be it so,” I said, replacing the tool beneath the cloak and again offering him my arm. He leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Trump Meritage. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and descending again, arrived at a deep crypt, in which the foulness of the air caused our flambeaux rather to glow than flame.

At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with human remains, piled to the vault overhead, in the fashion of the great catacombs of Paris. Three sides of this interior crypt were still ornamented in this manner. From the fourth side the bones had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the bones, we perceived a still interior crypt or recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height six or seven. It seemed to have been constructed for no especial use within itself, but formed merely the interval between two of the colossal supports of the roof of the catacombs, and was backed by one of their circumscribing walls of solid granite.

It was in vain that Reince, uplifting his dull torch, endeavoured to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.

“Proceed,” I said; “herein is the Trump Meritage. As for Ted Cruz–”

“He is an ignoramus,” interrupted my friend, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In niche, and finding an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key I stepped back from the recess.

“Pass your hand,” I said, “over the wall; you cannot help feeling the nitre. Indeed, it is very damp. Once more let me implore you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power.”

“The Trump Meritage!” ejaculated my friend, not yet recovered from his astonishment.

“True,” I replied; “the Trump Meritage.”

As I said these words I busied myself among the pile of bones of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of building stone and mortar. With these materials and with the aid of my trowel, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche.

I had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when I discovered that the intoxication of Reince had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess. It was not the cry of a drunken man. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labours and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the trowel, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my breast. I again paused, and holding the flambeaux over the mason-work, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within.

A succession of loud and shrill screams, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated, I trembled. Unsheathing my rapier, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the catacombs, and felt satisfied. I reapproached the glorious wall; I replied to the yells of him who clamoured. I re-echoed, I aided, I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamourer grew still.

It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eighth, the ninth and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single stone to be fitted and plastered in. I struggled with its weight; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon my head. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the noble Reince. The voice said–

“Ha! ha! ha! –he! he! he! –a very good joke, indeed –an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at Trump Tower –he! he! he! –over our wine –he! he! he!”

“The Trump Meritage!” I said.

“He! he! he! –he! he! he! –yes, the Trump Meritage. But is it not getting late? Will not they be awaiting us at the Trump winery, Mrs. Priebus, Melania, and the rest? Let us be gone.”

“Yes,” I said, “let us be gone.”

“For the love of God, Donald!”

“Yes,” I said, “for the love of God!”

But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud —

“Reince!”

No answer. I called again —

“Reince!”

No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a jingling of the bells. My heart grew sick; it was the dampness of the catacombs that made it so. I hastened to make an end of my labour. I forced the last stone into its position; I plastered it up. Against the new masonry I re-erected the old rampart of bones. For the half of a century no mortal has disturbed them. In pace requiescat!

Oh, and the wall? Mexico is gonna pay for it. Believe me.

 

The Best Subject Line in the History of Political Fundraising

kerry

There it is.

You cannot beat that, I promise.

(Disclosure: I found it when digging through archived images. I had so many on my work computer that it messed up the hard drive. Thankfully, all backed up in Amazon Cloud Drive…)

Fictional 2016 Trump GOP Convention Agenda

Preparing for the upcoming GOP convention in my hometown of Cleveland, a thought kept zinging through my head: What if Trump gets to 1,237 delegates before the Convention? 

Having worked the last two GOP conventions in Tampa and St. Paul, I had a hard time imagining what such a convention might be like… Given that much of the so-called GOP Establishment is not backing Trump.

Who would stump for him? What would the agenda look like?

Now, we have an idea:

**
Revised Convention-Week Schedule

Monday, July 18, 2016
2:00 p.m. Chairman of the RNC Reince Priebus
Call to Order/Start Trade Deficit Clocks

2:10 p.m. Announcement of Recess


Tuesday, July 19, 2016
2:00 p.m. Chairman of the RNC Reince Priebus
Color Guard — Breitbart.com Comment Section Honor Guard
Pledge of Allegiance by Gary Busey
National Anthem sung by Jenna Jameson
Invocation by The Most Rev. Jerry Falwell, Jr.
Opening procedural steps, appointment of convention committees
Welcoming remarks, and House and Senate candidates and RNC auxiliaries 
RNC Chairman Priebus
RNC Co-Chairman Sharon Day
Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson
Convention Chief Executive Officer David Gilbert
Co-Chairman of Cleveland Host Committee Alexander Cutler (EATON Corporation)
Republican Congressional Candidates
State Rep. Michele Fiore (NV)
Lou Barletta of Pennsylvania
Chris Collins of New York
Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee
Renee Ellmers of North Carolina
Duncan D. Hunter of California
Tom Marino of Pennsylvania
Tom Reed of New York
Republican Senate Candidates (CANCELED)
Republican National Committee auxiliaries (CANCELED)
Consideration of convention committee reports, roll call vote on revoking credentials of journalists who have been ‘unfair’ to Mr. Trump, and updated list of banned products
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus
Committee on Credentials Chairman Mike Duncan
Committee on Permanent Organization Chairwoman Zoraida Fonalledas
Convention Permanent Chairman Speaker Paul D. Ryan, Presiding
Official Convention Photograph
Committee on Rules Chairman John Sununu
Committee on Resolutions Chairman Governor John Kasich (CANCELED)
Committee on Resolutions Co-Chairman U.S. Senator John Hoeven
Committee on Resolutions Co-Chairman U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn
Roll Call for Nomination of President of the United States
Roll Call for Nomination of Vice President of the United States
6:40 p.m. Recess
7:00 p.m. Reconvene
Remarks by Former Cleveland Indians John Rocker and Johnny Damon.
Remarks by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus
Video and remarks by Hulk Hogan, owner of Hogan Media (Formerly Gawker)
Remarks by Lou Dobbs (FOX Business surrogate)
Remarks by former U.S. Senator Scott Brown
Remarks by Orly Taitz, accompanied by Phyllis Schlafly
Remarks by Vince McMahon (World Wrestling Entertainment)
Remarks by Dennis Rodman, accompanied by Terrell Owens
Remarks by Bob Knight, accompanied by Mike Tyson
Remarks by Jimmie McMillan (Rent is too Damn High)
Remarks by Breitbart.com Executive Chairman Stephen K. Bannon
10:00 p.m. Remarks by Ann Coulter
Remarks by Mrs. Melania Trump
Remarks by Alicia Watkins (USAF, Say Yes to the Dress, Troops Media)
Benediction by Minister Omarosa Manigault

Adjournment


Wednesday, July 20, 2016
7:00 p.m. Convention convenes
Call to order
Introduction of Colors by Co-Chair of Veterans for Trump Jerry DeLemus* (*=Pending outcome of criminal trial.)
Pledge of Allegiance by Major General Bert Mizusawa, US Army (Ret.)
National Anthem sung by Tiffany Trump (CANCELED)
Invocation by Willie Robertson (Entrepreneur, star of Duck Dynasty)
Trump Infomercial Montage and History of the Donald on Television Video (Narrated by James Woods)
Remarks by Convention Temporary Chairman Corey Lewandowski
Remarks by Senator Jeff Sessions (AL)
Remarks by Carl Paladino and Dan Scavino
8:00 p.m. Remarks by Sheriff Joe Arpaio (AZ), accompanied by Andrea Tantaros (FOX surrogate)
Remarks by Attorney General Pam Bondi (FL) and Governor Rick Scott (FL)
Remarks by Governor Paul LePage (ME)
Video Remarks by Jean-Marie Le Pen (France) and Geert Wilders (Netherlands)
Remarks by Ben Carson
9:00 p.m. Remarks by Former Governor Chris Christie (NJ)
Remarks by Judge Sarah Palin (AK)
Donald and Melania, the Love of a Lifetime Video (Narrated by Sarah and Bristol Palin)
Remarks by Mike Huckabee, accompanied by Sarah Huckabee Sanders
10:00 p.m. Remarks by Sean Hannity (FOX NEWS surrogate)
Remarks by Alex Jones (Prison Planet)
Remarks by vice presidential nominee Mr. Dinesh D’Souza
Special Screening of Hillary’s America
Benediction by Kayleigh McEnany (CNN surrogate)
2:00 a.m. Adjournment

Thursday, July 21, 2016
2:00 p.m. Convention convenes
Five hours of an empty podium to be aired on all national cable networks.
7:00 Call to order and eviction of Code Pink, Black Lives Matter, and Immigration Protesters by Convention Chairman for Life Corey Lewandowski
Introduction of Colors by Breitbart.com Senior Staff (Milo Yiannopoulos, Matthew Boyle, John Nolte, Joel Pollak)
Pledge of Allegiance by John Daly (British Open Champion)
National Anthem sung by Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, ft. Azealia Banks
Invocation by Scottie Nell Hughes (CNN surrogate)
Remarks by Eric Trump
Reagan and Trump: Their Legacy Video (Narrated by Jeffrey Lord –Former Reagan Aide / CNN surrogate)
Remarks by Newt and Callista Gingrich
Remarks by Donald Trump, Jr.
8:00 p.m. Remarks by Ivanka Trump
Remarks by Roy Beck (Founder, NumbersUSA)
Remarks by Jon Voight, accompanied by Bruce Willis
Remarks by Stephen Baldwin (The Last Ship, TNT)
9:00 p.m. Remarks by Carl Icahn
Remarks by Jean-Claude Van Damme
Remarks by Territorial Governor Ralph Torres (Northern Mariana Islands)
Making America Great Again Video (Narrated by Mark Cuban and Robert Davi)
10:00 p.m. Introduction by Mike Ditka
Remarks by presidential nominee Donald Trump.
Benediction by Minister Rafael Cruz.
Corey Lewandowski declares convention adjourned