B Magazine’s Hilarious List

For those of you who don’t follow Baltimore media, and I assume that’s pretty much all of you, B Magazine — apparently the magazine of the Baltimore Sun — published a list of 100 reasons why they think their city is better than Washington.

I have lots of criticisms of Moscow on the Potomac. However, claiming that Baltimore — yes, Baltimore — is better than Washington does not pass the laugh test.

D.C. isn’t perfect, but even I can admit that D.C., for all its faults, is far better than Baltimore.

Friend of the blog Liz M. shares some of the top rebuttal comments she’s seen. I’ve added some I found, too. After reviewing the whole list, I decided I might as well as some of my own, which are unsigned.

100. Our circulators are free. But D.C.’s cost $1, because of course they do.
That’s because Baltimore is so terrible you have to actually pay visitors to travel around.

96. We don’t start conversations by asking, ‘What do you do?’ or ‘Who do you work for?’ 
-That’s because most of Baltimore is unemployed –alex35332

84. Natty Boh. What’s that, D.C.? Don’t have your own old-school beer — you know, like Pabst or even Schlitz? That’s sad.
Unfortunately, the great National Bohemian beer is no longer brewed in its hometown of Baltimore. The beer is owned by the California-based Pabst Brewing Company and mainly brewed in North Carolina and Georgia.–WCP

93. We can buy a rowhouse for $100K less. 
-We can buy a rowhouse for the same price and sell it for more in 5 years as opposed to taking a loss on it.  –alex35332

87. We may have plotted to kill Abraham Lincoln en route to his inauguration in 1861, but a few years later, D.C. actually did it. 
-Apparently, history isn’t a strong suit in Baltimore.  –alex35332

85. Our signature food is crab cakes and pit beef. D.C. has … yeah. 
-½ Smokes, Mambo Sauce. And DC is a major foodie city now. Can you even find indian food in Baltimore?  –alex35332

(No, but we do have some kick-ass craft beers. Also, Natty Boh isn’t even brewed in Baltimore anymore) — DCist

80. TV shows being filmed here right now: ‘House of Cards’ (above) and ‘Veep.’ Recent TV shows filmed in D.C.: TLC’s ‘Randy to the Rescue.’
It should be noted that House of Cards and Veep are set in D.C. and shot in Baltimore because the city’s rowhouse landscape resembles our own. Also, way to win the race to the bottom when it comes to giving massive tax breaks to Hollywood. -WCP

81. Waiting in line for an hour for a damn cupcake?! You’re joking, right? 
-Cupcakes are so 2 years ago. It’s all about doughnuts now. –alex35332

78. We don’t have to pick a fight with another city to make ourselves feel better 

76. We can afford our rent. And we don’t have to live with seven 20-somethings to do so.
Maryland is among the top 10 states with the highest foreclosure rates, and delinquencies are on the rise in the Baltimore area.

71. For us, tourist season doesn’t come with the risk of being run over by endless Segway tours.
Because for most tourists, Baltimore is a fun half day trip when they visit D.C. And by then, they’ve already been Segway’d-out. You’re welcome!

61. Chances are, we know someone with a boat. And they’re having a party on the water next weekend and of course we can come.
Marinas in D.C. are expensive. Where do you think we store our boats?

57. You rarely meet someone who has lived in D.C. for five years. We can walk down our streets and meet someone who has lived here for 50 years.
Stockholm syndrome. It’s a thing.

52. Back-to-back weeks, we had BronyCon and Otakon.
I wouldn’t be bragging about BronyCon or Otakon. Seriously.

49. Cal Ripken is 2,632 times better than any D.C. sports figure.
So much respect for Cal, yet in one of your suburbs, somebody kidnapped his mom. Way to show some respect.

48. D.C.’s bars close at 3 a.m. Nothing good ever happens at 3 a.m.
We all know that nothing good happens in your city after dark. Sounds like you’re jealous we can stay out later.

34. Way to steal our basketball team and then replace the intimidating Bullets franchise with the completely terrifying Wizards brand.
No, your city has nothing to do with “stealing” teams. Nothing, nothing at all…. By the way, how’d ya get that football team? ಠ_ಠ

32. The first lady has a vegetable garden? Cute. We’ve been turning vacant lots into community gardens and parks. On a regular basis.
Vacant lots? How’d you get those? What are they?

21. We’re pretty sure more people watched Ray Lewis’ final game on TV than Obama’s second inauguration.
Know who didn’t watch that game? Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar. (Google it.)

9. The Ouija Board: Baltimore’s most useful invention.
Yet earlier, you brag about not having Scientology?


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